Of the 365 days possible in a year, 220 days of which are spent inside the classroom, one gets acquainted with all sorts of characters so that one becomes more and more convinced that medicine is becoming more and more of a “sayang” and less and less of an art. Here are a few of the encounters in his daily hum-drum existence.
The all-knowing-know-nothing type-With the swagger and braggadocio of Don Quixote de la Mancha, he enters into the classroom several minutes late . He gives out that characteristic grin of cocksureness at the answers given by a classmate which only mastery of the lesson can give . But ask him questions about the present topics and I bet my one-month allowance that he will bluff his way out.
the going-around-the-bush type -This bacterium is one of the more common strains of student microorganisms which inhabit the Center. Found in every class, he comes armed with a special type of medical jargon that might baffle even Sir William Osler. Confronted with the most elementary question a professor can think of, he nonchalantly replies with the most nebulous answer a student can dream of. Ask him what produces “ague-cake spleen” or “strawberry gallbladder” and odds are 20 to nothing that his answers will make you “hysterically deaf.”
the hypochondriac type – This student belongs to that category etiologically-named Hazards of Occupation—a victim of his own education. After a lecture in peptic ulcer he has it; he auscultates his heart after a professor’s treaties on heart murmurs. I know of a male classmate who feels labor pains after coming from a class in Obstetrics. I recommend this student with high honors to Dr. Zaguirre’s ward !
the statistically-minded type – This student is A-1 when it comes to calculations and statistics. Before coming to class, he makes sure that on the basis of a comparative graph showing the number of times and the dates on which he and his classmates were called upon to recite and by the laws of chance, he bears practically no risk of getting a 5. He is a staunch believer of rhythm clinic un-Obstetrics-wise: he studies his assignments when his card is on deck and paints the town red during those days of zero risk. As volcanologists make wrong predictions, he does, too, and he reasons out “sapagka’t ako’y tao lamang.”
The femme fatale – This flower is one of the common varie- graces every classroom. I don’t the first lady who first crashed in on the medical profession but I know for sure that it is for the benefit of the ClaSS (professors included) especially when they cross their legs. only regret, however, is as the hemline rises so does the hair-do. Seated once behind a lady with hair shaming the Eiffel tower I developed wryneck atter Comment: between the two evils I prefer the former.
the bookworm-This one is easy to spot–he is in his own shell in the library, in the classroom, in the canteen, anywhere. Eight hours a day he meticulously pores over the lessons assigned. To him, parties, movies and even bathing is pure, plain and simple waste of time . He says with the dogmatic serenity of a pontiff that time is gold. But come examination time his blue book betrays to his professor that he is lost in a maelstrom of diseases and syndromes swirling inside a saturated mind. For this he blames everything and everyone except himself.
The howling hyena-This character is a necessary evil in every class. Even, the corniest joke can let loose his howls of glee (that’s for the satisfaction of the professor). Advice to the nonsympathizers of this tribe: if you’re not in the mood to laugh at a joke cracked by a professor, just look at these student’s faces and you will work yourself into convulsions of laughter. Get the message ?
the parasite-This is a slick well-oiled operator whose face is as thick, as the sole of his feet. He comes to class body and soul and comes to you with his flashiest grin , “Do you have an extra pen, how about an extra ruled paper, may I borrow your book for a while, ad infinitum. Preponderance of opinion holds that this type is a public nuisance and should be exterminated-the sooner, the better.
the comedian – Ah. this type makes the classroom a veritable stage show. A cross-breed of the Three Stooges, Chiquita, Dolphy, Charlie Chaplin pales beside him. He makes faces to make his classmates laugh (although he doesn’t have to), and acts comic (although he is a natural one) to the wonderful delight of the whole class. This character fits very well the description of “all white and no yolk” egg.
To which type do you and your classmates belong ? As to where this writer belongs is up to the reader.
PS. If you don’t see me around attending my classes or gracing the lobby on the day of issue of this paper, please omit flowers.
The Author
( Rest in Pieces)
Bayani Borja Elma MD’68
Literary Editor
Published in the AESCULAPIAN 1968
